“Dude! Where’s My Car”

by ESP on September 7, 2009


Well dude, it is stuck in the side of my house, apparently!

A Car Crashed into my House!

We had a bit of a scare in the patch the other night…look at my dinged stock tank…look at my demolished agave pots… look at my house!  What happened here you ask?  Well, the Chevy Tahoe that has plowed into our house image is a bit of a give-away! In fact this vehicle hit the front corner of our house with such force, it buckled and torqued parts of our house in the back!  This is what happened in-brief…12:30am: I had just finished doing yet more tweaks to this website…brushed teeth, generally shutting things down, when I heard a collision outside. I stopped in my tracks, a couple of seconds later the most amazingly loud crash shook the whole house. I thought the house was falling down and immediately went into reactionary mode, I woke my wife, scrambled for my garden boots (as you do,) and ran outside fearing the worst. I have been in this adrenaline fueled position once before in my life, a train wreck in Harrow, N.London, and strangely I remembered the feeling.

Dude where's my car?

I rounded the corner of my house to find a Tahoe was embedded, hissing, into the front corner of our house. Making the transition from the light of the house into the darkness made me struggle to really see what was going on. I smacked on the front window and asked if  the occupants were alright…I got a low, drawn out “Nooo”.  This was not good, especially with the strong smell of gas now emanating, and…no, it was wasn’t mine. I ran back inside the house, our oldest hobbit was already sitting bolt upright in our bed, the crash had immediately woke and scared her, of course the other hobbit would have slept through it, given half a chance.

“AArrr, couldn’t feel a thing”.

I ran frantically around the house looking for my cell, gave up, finally telling my wife to call 911. I ran back outside to find that an inquisitive troop of spear wielding Nabooboos had already gathered beside the now EMPTY car. The occupants had hit and run, or more likely, the “run” resembled more of a Captain Jack Sparrow swagger, judging from the Corona bottles strewn around the vehicle as they exited the scene. Among a bunch of other artifacts I found, was a CD aptly called “Ghetto Cartel” that I have kept as a crash souvenir (it will go behind glass), hey, I kept a bent metal rail-road tie from the train-wreck, why not!


The Tahoe had also clipped the rear-end of my truck and push that also into the house, pinning, along with it, our now flat recycling bin. A couple of minutes later, two fire trucks turned up, along with squad cars to block off the street. They evacuated everybody to the other side of the street, as the collision had also popped a gas pipe. I told you it was not me.


The right image shows where the vehicle hit my neighbor’s car before it hopped up the curb, demolished a Crype Myrtle, then hopped over a two foot retainer wall before hitting both our parked vehicles and finally our house!  Quite the ride.

ESP Hit and Run

The impact blew out a window, which was a shame because this glass was the original lead glass, as old as our 1890’s house. It looks like one whole corner of our house will need to be rebuilt from scratch. We can now see daylight through the wall, it is like a scout hall!  And just when I thought nothing could get more hillbilly than my water-“everything but the kitchen sink”- rainwater collection system and my duct-taped swimming pool, I now have this…

Corner House HilllBillies

“Hey would you look at that Pa, that mighty-fine house looks just like ours!”

Moving swiftly on…

While I was pulling out some of my decaying lily-pads which are now starting to wane, and not growing nearly as aggressively as they were only a few weeks back.  My hobbit unfortunately, with some excited noises and gestures, brought this little bundle of fun to my attention, floating in the ‘Bag End’ pond in Hobbiton.


My right knee twitched and immediate took control of me as it went into an uncontrollable spasm, dragging me around one of my decomposed granite pathways.  The leg finally dragged me back to where it started (out of a natural curiosity initiated by the foot). What was this? A tarantula stranded on a lily perhaps? Did it just move? I did what everyone would do…I got a rather long stick and started prodding at it.  I hooked the lily and proceeded to drag the abomination closer to the shore, I peered in closer…Oh no! It WAS moving…


Moving with little spiders and aphids that is…Brrrr…It looks like a spider covered in tiny spiders, and that is a whole bunch of spiders.

Pampas Grass

Pampas grasses continue to fill out with their feathery plumes, they look amazing when freshly opened at this time of year. The light quality has really begun to change to a more watery gold recently, but the day star has yet to lose it’s intensity. Still, if you squint your eyes at these plumes, it could almost be a frosty scene, couldn’t it?  Tell me it does…


Texas Sage Leucophyllum frutescensis blooming right now, no doubt responding to the summer showers we had last week. This has to be one of my favorites blooms on any plant, EVER!  I don’t care that it is used everywhere commercially, (sometimes really badly) it is still always a visual cleanser, perhaps even ranking up there with Amaranth?  What do you think?

Aloe variegataAloe variegata

The flower stalk on this Aloe variegata has grown at a staggering rate, I only planted this plant a few weeks back, after I got four of five divisions from one small pot.  They are all doing extremely well, this was the largest transplant from the pot.

Mexican Petunia

Another plant that immediately blooms after a little moisture…Mexican Petunia Ruellia brittoniana.
This one is contained in a larger buried rubber tank. Even with this I get the odd one popping up here and there.


Salvia is also giving some color.  The Botox Lady, has had a very disappointing year. Just when it looked like she was going to get a new hairdo for the fall the August sun came out and fried it. She may have to be bald for another year, until the adjacent ice plant starts to wander over to her scalp.  This would be perfect because she would then have small red and yellow flowers scattered throughout her green locks. She has told me in her own way (erratic large eye gesturing northward) that she would very much favour this over the starkness she is adorning right now. She has been sending Bob at Draco photo-shopped images of herself with a full head of hair in her letters, I did warn her not to jump the hair-gun…my words fell on errr… no ears?

Tribal Markings on Aloe

I came across this aloe adorned with a host of strange tribal, symbolic carvings, I have to assume this is the work of a Naboo craftsman, perhaps it is to be fashioned into a Nabooboo tribal shield, like the ones I saw getting excitedly beaten on the ground around the crashed Tahoe.  From a work of art to just, well mundane weeding work. Is anyone else completely sick of this weed? I have no idea what it is, and I do not really care…this one drives me crazy.


It loves decomposed granite and spreads like a futuristic virus. Try pulling it out when it is small and it just breaks away, it is easier when it gets bigger but by then you have veritable carpet of the evil stuff. It is simply the perfect weed. The perfect design. A perfect gardener’s nemesis


“Relax Shinzon. As your Viceroy, I advise you that this weed does not come close to you as a true nemisis”. “I am warning you Shinzon, this is more of a serious problem on the Enterprise’s botanical deck, than you could ever be!”

Barrel Cactus and annoying grass

Another major pet peeve of mine recently raised it’s ugly head once again. I thought I had caught and pulled all of this grass when I transplanted these barrels, but oh no. Now I am guaranteed at least five finger stabbings a year trying to extricate, but always snapping this closely guarded grass.


Cycadaceae (sago palm family)

I told you that the sun was still intense in Texas!

Stay Tuned for:

“All Hail Tlaloc”

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intergalactic reproduction strictly prohibited, and
punishable by  late  (and extremely unpleasant)
14th century planet Earth techniques.

Inspirational Image of the Week:

0187_Desert_Botanical_Garden_TR Check out more of this artist’s staggering work at: http://www.chihuly.com/index.html

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