ESP extremities

“Dude! Where’s My Car”

ESPatch Sep 7, 2009 37 comments

Well dude, it is stuck in the side of my house, apparently!

We had a bit of a scare in the patch the other night…look at my dinged stock tank…look at my demolished agave pots… look at my house! What happened here you ask? Well, the Chevy Tahoe that has plowed into our house image is a bit of a give-away! In fact this vehicle hit the front corner of our house with such force, it buckled and torqued parts of our house in the back! This is what happened in-brief…12:30am: I had just finished doing yet more tweaks to this website…brushed teeth, generally shutting things down, when I heard a collision outside. I stopped in my tracks, a couple of seconds later the most amazingly loud crash shook the whole house. I thought the house was falling down and immediately went into reactionary mode, I woke my wife, scrambled for my garden boots (as you do,) and ran outside fearing the worst. I have been in this adrenaline fueled position once before in my life, a train wreck in Harrow, N.London, and strangely I remembered the feeling.

I rounded the corner of my house to find a Tahoe was embedded, hissing, into the front corner of our house. Making the transition from the light of the house into the darkness made me struggle to really see what was going on. I smacked on the front window and asked if the occupants were alright…I got a low, drawn out “Nooo”. This was not good, especially with the strong smell of gas now emanating, and…no, it was wasn’t mine. I ran back inside the house, our oldest hobbit was already sitting bolt upright in our bed, the crash had immediately woke and scared her, of course the other hobbit would have slept through it, given half a chance.

“AArrr, couldn’t feel a thing”.

I ran frantically around the house looking for my cell, gave up, finally telling my wife to call 911. I ran back outside to find that an inquisitive troop of spear wielding Nabooboos had already gathered beside the now EMPTY car. The occupants had hit and run, or more likely, the “run” resembled more of a Captain Jack Sparrow swagger, judging from the Corona bottles strewn around the vehicle as they exited the scene. Among a bunch of other artifacts I found, was a CD aptly called “Ghetto Cartel” that I have kept as a crash souvenir (it will go behind glass), hey, I kept a bent metal rail-road tie from the train-wreck, why not!

The Tahoe had also clipped the rear-end of my truck and push that also into the house, pinning, along with it, our now flat recycling bin. A couple of minutes later, two fire trucks turned up, along with squad cars to block off the street. They evacuated everybody to the other side of the street, as the collision had also popped a gas pipe. I told you it was not me.

The right image shows where the vehicle hit my neighbor’s car before it hopped up the curb, demolished a Crype Myrtle, then hopped over a two foot retainer wall before hitting both our parked vehicles and finally our house! Quite the ride.

The impact blew out a window, which was a shame because this glass was the original lead glass, as old as our 1890’s house. It looks like one whole corner of our house will need to be rebuilt from scratch. We can now see daylight through the wall, it is like a scout hall! And just when I thought nothing could get more hillbilly than my water-“everything but the kitchen sink”- rainwater collection system and my duct-taped swimming pool, I now have this…

“Hey would you look at that Pa, that mighty-fine house looks just like ours!”

Moving swiftly on…

While I was pulling out some of my decaying lily-pads which are now starting to wane, and not growing nearly as aggressively as they were only a few weeks back. My hobbit unfortunately, with some excited noises and gestures, brought this little bundle of fun to my attention, floating in the ‘Bag End’ pond in Hobbiton.

My right knee twitched and immediate took control of me as it went into an uncontrollable spasm, dragging me around one of my decomposed granite pathways. The leg finally dragged me back to where it started (out of a natural curiosity initiated by the foot). What was this? A tarantula stranded on a lily perhaps? Did it just move? I did what everyone would do…I got a rather long stick and started prodding at it. I hooked the lily and proceeded to drag the abomination closer to the shore, I peered in closer…Oh no! It WAS moving…

Moving with little spiders and aphids that is…Brrrr…It looks like a spider covered in tiny spiders, and that is a whole bunch of spiders.

Pampas grasses continue to fill out with their feathery plumes, they look amazing when freshly opened at this time of year. The light quality has really begun to change to a more watery gold recently, but the day star has yet to lose it’s intensity. Still, if you squint your eyes at these plumes, it could almost be a frosty scene, couldn’t it? Tell me it does…

Texas Sage Leucophyllum frutescensis blooming right now, no doubt responding to the summer showers we had last week. This has to be one of my favorites blooms on any plant, EVER! I don’t care that it is used everywhere commercially, (sometimes really badly) it is still always a visual cleanser, perhaps even ranking up there with Amaranth? What do you think?

The flower stalk on this Aloe variegata has grown at a staggering rate, I only planted this plant a few weeks back, after I got four of five divisions from one small pot. They are all doing extremely well, this was the largest transplant from the pot.

Another plant that immediately blooms after a little moisture…Mexican Petunia Ruellia brittoniana.
This one is contained in a larger buried rubber tank. Even with this I get the odd one popping up here and there.

Salvia is also giving some color. The Botox Lady, has had a very disappointing year. Just when it looked like she was going to get a new hairdo for the fall the August sun came out and fried it. She may have to be bald for another year, until the adjacent ice plant starts to wander over to her scalp. This would be perfect because she would then have small red and yellow flowers scattered throughout her green locks. She has told me in her own way (erratic large eye gesturing northward) that she would very much favour this over the starkness she is adorning right now. She has been sending Bob at Draco photo-shopped images of herself with a full head of hair in her letters, I did warn her not to jump the hair-gun…my words fell on errr… no ears?

I came across this aloe adorned with a host of strange tribal, symbolic carvings, I have to assume this is the work of a Naboo craftsman, perhaps it is to be fashioned into a Nabooboo tribal shield, like the ones I saw getting excitedly beaten on the ground around the crashed Tahoe. From a work of art to just, well mundane weeding work. Is anyone else completely sick of this weed? I have no idea what it is, and I do not really care…this one drives me crazy.

It loves decomposed granite and spreads like a futuristic virus. Try pulling it out when it is small and it just breaks away, it is easier when it gets bigger but by then you have veritable carpet of the evil stuff. It is simply the perfect weed. The perfect design. A perfect gardener’s nemesis

StarTrek_Nemesis

“Relax Shinzon. As your Viceroy, I advise you that this weed does not come close to you as a true nemisis”. “I am warning you Shinzon, this is more of a serious problem on the Enterprise’s botanical deck, than you could ever be!”

Another major pet peeve of mine recently raised it’s ugly head once again. I thought I had caught and pulled all of this grass when I transplanted these barrels, but oh no. Now I am guaranteed at least five finger stabbings a year trying to extricate, but always snapping this closely guarded grass.

Finally…

I told you that the sun was still intense in Texas!

Stay Tuned for:

“All Hail Tlaloc”

All material © 2009 for eastsidepatch. Unauthorized
intergalactic reproduction strictly prohibited, and
punishable by late (and extremely unpleasant)
14th century planet Earth techniques.

Inspirational Image of the Week:

Check out more of this artist’s staggering work at: http://www.chihuly.com/index.html

“I built a Vine Tunnel – and a Troll moved in”

ESPatch May 5, 2008 0 comments

Growing up on a large dilapidated private estate in Scotland (Sprinkell) was somewhat isolating but definitely a magical experience. The forests had ‘dark’ areas in them, we all new them as kids, we gave them names and skirted around them if it was starting to get dark on the walk home. Perhaps these areas had negative energy, or maybe it was purely an aesthetic fear, I am not sure.

The Estate was at one time immaculately tended as well as immense. You could tell this from the nature of the mass plantings and long since covered landscaping and old rope bridges that traversed the river. The now defunct waterfalls, bamboo groves, and vine smothered summer houses were adopted as our playscape in the heart of the forest. My parents rented a cottage on the land while we renovated our future home (a 16th century cottage). We lived in the forest for 5 years in a house aptly called “Outerlands”- (I could write an entire book on the strange happenings in that house!)

The melancholic nature and atmosphere of the estate has stayed with me, the ominous presence of the dark areas is something you really have to ‘acclimatize’ to psychologically or else blind panic kicks in, which of course as kids we took great delight in.

The Mansion on the estate was built in 1734 and enlarged in 1818 by the Maxwell family, proprietors of the Barony of Kirkconnel and Springkell since 1609. In the ruined churchyard of Kirkconnel on the banks of the Kirtle in Springkell estate is the grave of Fair Helen Irving of Kirkconnel Lea of Robert Burns’ poem. (G.R. 250754):

O, that I were where Helen lies!
Night and day on me she cries;
O, that I were where Helen lies
In fair Kirkconnel lees.

O Helen fair! beyond compare,
A ringlet of thy flowing hair,
I’ll wear it still for evermair
Until the day I die.

Curs’d be the hand that shot the shot,
And curs’d the gun that gave the crack,
Into my arms bird Helen lap,
And died for sake o’ me.

O think na ye but my heart was sair,
My love fell down and spake nae mair,
There did she swoon wi’ meikle care
On fair Kirkconnel lee.

I lighted down, my sword did draw,
I cutted him in pieces sma’;
I cutted him in pieces sma;
On fair Kirkconnel lee.

O Helen chaste, thou wert modest
If I were with thee I were blest,
Where thou lies low, and takes they rest
On fair Kirkconnel lee.

I wish my grave was growing green,
A winding sheet put o’er my een,
And I in Helen’s arms lying
In fair Kirkconnel lee!

I wish I were where Helen lies!
Night and day on me she cries;
O, that I were where Helen lies
On fair Kirkconnel lee.

I spent many hours around here, the picture doesn’t do it justice!

The Graveyard on the Estate.

Sprinkell Mansion.

I relay this story to you because I wanted to re-create this sense of the unknown and natural unease in my now much smaller Texas urban landscape, but how to achieve it?. . . hmmm . . . . well, you cannot beat a dark spooky tunnel, can you?

I built one and who moved in?

The entrance to the tunnel is well guarded!

Here is a view of the back entrance, away from the house – the structure is about 12 feet tall – the vines include Wisteria, Trumpet Vine and Confederate Jasmine.

View from the front (tunnel entrance on left)

Tearing the tunnel down was a difficult decision I made at the end of last year – it dawned on me what I had done. I had moved the shed because it blocked a more long distance view of the garden and replaced it with a living structure – Duh!

The tunnel was visually shrinking the yard – oh, and I forgot to add, it was nasty to walk down it, cobwebs, unearthly things falling down your neck etc, my cat at the time used it as her personal bidet! Nope – you don’t wanna walk down there!

The structure was also creating too much shade – it was time to go. I also dug out the two plumosa ferns climbing the Bamboo poles. I did feel quite pleased that I had attained the ‘spooky’ nature I was looking for and I liked it for a while.

I looked around for my Sledge Hammer…here we go again.

Stay Tuned for:

“There is a Monkey in my Giant Timber”

All material © 2009 for eastsidepatch. Unauthorized
intergalactic reproduction strictly prohibited, and
punishable by late (and extremely unpleasant)
14th century planet Earth techniques.